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 lard pirates dawt cawm  §  A letter I sent to Chase Bank / by Spoony Spoonicus
 ~Spoony Spoonicus on 02:29am 05/04/10 (04:43pm 05/03/10) in 1h17m14s  §  6396 eyeballs
 part of Spoony Spoonicus's brig: Spoony Spoonicus's brig  §  first - previous - next - latest
 full of random personal bullshit
after 1 bombings: 
 anchors: none.
In response to getting literally 3-4 applications per week for the last year and a half for their stupid credit cards.

Dear Idiots,

You do realize that I don't even read these stupid applications before they hit the shredder, right? You're not being clever by putting it in a blank-white envelope labeled "URGENT" either, because the only such letters I receive in that format are from credit companies. If someone has something to say to me, they should at least have the common courtesy to take two seconds and put their name on the front of the envelope. And if they don't, well hell, whatever they have to say probably isn't worth my time.

I would also like to add that your ploy of putting little plastic cards in there to get me to read your applications in fear of ruining my shredder... was in vain. I recently invested in a very nice industrial-grade shredder, so I can just toss a whole score of sheets in there and bam, instant confetti. I've found it also
works nicely on your little plastic cards. In spite of this, I made an exception to my policy of instantly consigning your junk mail to the thresher to compose this letter. I suppose you should feel honored.

Now, why not do the environment a favor and stop mulching down trees by the truckload just to print out more of these stupid applications that I'll never read? I subscribed to your credit line once. My junk-mail volume suddenly quadrupled, and my phone was constantly ringing off the hook with telemarketing scams. Your in-house life insurance agent was an extremely rude woman trying to HARASS and INSULT me into buying her services. If you think I'd come back to this, allow me to laugh right in your face. What kind of SLIME does this to a customer in good standing?

On top of everything, I have OPTED OUT of receiving applications from you at http://opt-out.cdt.org/, making your continued string of applications ILLEGAL. I have no idea how you've gotten away with it this long. But by all means, thank you for the postage-paid envelope. I didn't even have to waste a stamp to tell you how I feel. Believe me, that forty-four cents I saved will be worth a fortune someday compared to your piece of shit company.

Now for the last time,


I am not, and never will be, interested.

Sincerely yours,
**** ******* ******
 rawks  §  rad comments, dogg.
 ~vinic  §  at 04:50pm 05/03/10
well shit!
 ~Spoony Spoonicus  §  at 04:54pm 05/03/10
Capital One can officially eat my dick too, while we're on the topic.
 ~Azul Rojo  §  at 01:28am 05/04/10
Yeah, we get a lot of that junk mail here, too. My dad sometimes sends back the pre-paid envelopes full of presents for the companies. These presents usually consist of cut up newspaper, pennies, old coupons, and the fake credit cards. I'll bet they love having to pay the postage on that!

On another note, I'm sick of the "free stuff!" and blank phone calls. Before we got call display, we'd sometimes answer the phone and hear nothing on the other end. Sometimes, after the 2nd or 3rd "Hello?!" from us, a person would answer. The phone was hung up before they could finish their sentence. Any call starting with "Congratulations! Macy's, Bloomingdale's, and Wal-Mart had a contest and you..." got the phone hung up; however, sometimes these automated calls tied up the phone line for a few minutes, even after the phone was hung up. We got call display a while back, and it is very nice. Calls labelled "LONG DISTANCE," "PRIVATE CALLER," or "QUEBEC" are no longer answered in this house. Hell, we even get calls from "California" and "Wyoming." Silly bastards.
 ~Spoony Spoonicus  §  at 03:12am 05/04/10
Yeah, I also keep getting calls at all hours of the day from some jerkoff in Florida who keeps hanging up on me as soon as I answer. It's really getting irritating.
a cherry